My Tony,

Once upon a time, when we're still together, I held your hand and an un-welcomed thought of losing you one day came to mind and it certainly did made my heartbeat stop. Then came a feeling that I was floating somewhere I don't want to be because I'd be far, far away from you. I could feel my eyes welling up with tears and my heart would miss an important beat by all those stream of thoughts that came rushing in a split second and that's when I felt your hand squeezed mine and I'm back on my feet, right beside you and I felt better knowing that it's just a thing in my imagination. I just simply thanked God for that moment and hoped that those ridiculous thoughts should never happen because I won't know how to live. Or I wouldn't know if I will ever survive.

So you'd imagine how I felt when it actually happened--the thing I feared most. Just thinking about it makes me catch my breath because it was the worst fear in my breathing moments: losing you.

You see, I died when I lost you. I died but my body won't let me. I died inside but my body still moves-walking around, maybe doing some robot stuffs each day like waking up in the morning, going to the toilet, brushing my teeth, combing my hair, wearing my shoes, going off to work, coming off to work, eating my dinner, watching tv, going to bed... I'm all dead inside. Maybe what keeps my heart beating are memories of you imprinted on it. Maybe that's what it keeps me alive, what keeps me breathing, what keeps me from having the eternal sleep. Every night I sleep with you in mind, with you in my dreams. And I dread waking up from those dreams because the moment I open my eyes, all I got are just your lingering memories.

One day I know I'd see you again. Just thinking about it makes me want to cry because I know I'd be holding your hand forever just to say goodbye.

If only I could tell you this:

i love you. i still do. i will always love you. because my heart refuses not to.

sj