My Tony,

Once upon a time, when we're still together, I held your hand and an un-welcomed thought of losing you one day came to mind and it certainly did made my heartbeat stop. Then came a feeling that I was floating somewhere I don't want to be because I'd be far, far away from you. I could feel my eyes welling up with tears and my heart would miss an important beat by all those stream of thoughts that came rushing in a split second and that's when I felt your hand squeezed mine and I'm back on my feet, right beside you and I felt better knowing that it's just a thing in my imagination. I just simply thanked God for that moment and hoped that those ridiculous thoughts should never happen because I won't know how to live. Or I wouldn't know if I will ever survive.

So you'd imagine how I felt when it actually happened--the thing I feared most. Just thinking about it makes me catch my breath because it was the worst fear in my breathing moments: losing you.

You see, I died when I lost you. I died but my body won't let me. I died inside but my body still moves-walking around, maybe doing some robot stuffs each day like waking up in the morning, going to the toilet, brushing my teeth, combing my hair, wearing my shoes, going off to work, coming off to work, eating my dinner, watching tv, going to bed... I'm all dead inside. Maybe what keeps my heart beating are memories of you imprinted on it. Maybe that's what it keeps me alive, what keeps me breathing, what keeps me from having the eternal sleep. Every night I sleep with you in mind, with you in my dreams. And I dread waking up from those dreams because the moment I open my eyes, all I got are just your lingering memories.

One day I know I'd see you again. Just thinking about it makes me want to cry because I know I'd be holding your hand forever just to say goodbye.

If only I could tell you this:

i love you. i still do. i will always love you. because my heart refuses not to.

sj

My dearest Tony,

I love you. i will always love you. i will keep to that promise until the end of time.

remember when i told you i see us grow old together? it never left my mind. i can still see you and me together. holding hands. loving each other. celebrating our life together, the love we shared.

i love you and no matter how it hurts, i will always feel the same way for you. i want to stop loving you. i want to hate you. but my heart feels otherwise. i gave you my heart. i know you still have it. i won't ask for you to give it back. it's yours. its yours to keep. i don't know if you gave your heart to me but the love you showered me will forever keep me warm, keep me forever alive. i love you. i'm crying right now not because of the hurt you gave me, but of the love you gave me.

i will always love you. my future is with you. my life will never be complete without you. i can never imagine kissing someone's lips other than your lips. i remember the days when we're still friends. when we ride on any public transport. i look at the driver's mirror, not to check how i look, but to stare at your lips that i wanted to kiss even the first time i saw you in cubao. and when you kissed me six years ago, i remember i ask for one, two, three, four more. i love the feeling. i always love the feeling when you kiss me.

i am crying right now not because i can't kiss you lips. i'm crying because i can't wait for our next kiss.

i love you. no matter how it hurts.
i love you. i don't know if i can still win you back. i don't know if this love could bring you back but i will always love you.

i love you. i can never imagine opening my eyes in the morning not seeing you beside me, giving me the morning hug, morning kiss, morning stare, morning smile, morning caress. i love you.

i am crying right now not because my morning is always empty in this room miles away from the room we share. i am crying because i miss touching your smiling face.

i am crying. i am always crying. not for the pain you gave me. not for the fact that you fell in love with someone else. i am crying because i love you. i can't stop loving you. i love you. it maybe too late for you to know. but i love you.

sj

i have a message
i'm gonna tell you something
i really wanted to tell you something
even if it cuts so deep
even after all what happened
even if i felt i was betrayed
even if it's not the right thing
even though i should let you be
even though i know you're now happy
and i'm miserable
i will put it in a bottle
let it float through the sea
till it find its way to you
i hope you'd read it

it says:

i love you
i miss you
i'll see you soon
i hope you'd still love me again one day
i hope i can make you happy again

Sullen thoughts
Clouds my mind
I am being foolish,
I am being ignored
How could I ever forget you?

I am smiling
But something inside is always crying
I have all my ways to forget you
But I have kept so much memories
Like a web spun endlessly round and round

When I feel like dying,
my feelings always revive me to life
It might take a lifetime of heartbeats
to finally forget you
I can't stop loving you

I count the days,
the hours,
the minutes that passed
Until I reached that second
that will bring me closer to you

Dear Tony,

Could I ever forget this day?

Could I ever forget what had transpired exactly seven years ago, a day after your birthday-where I managed to save a few from my 2-week allowance just to be able to buy you a cake-in which I was terribly disappointed because I had to hand it to your father instead to you because you had to be in school while I skipped mine just for that mini-surprise I had in mind. That day, one sunny afternoon, where I rushed my way home just to catch you coming home from university. Where I pretended I'm good playing basketball but knew I'm the worst by the way you and your sister secretly looking at each other while eyeing how I just relentlessly threw the ball to the rim and let the ball bounce everywhere but really, I just thought I had to figure a way to be 'in' just to be able to play with you all afternoon.

That cloudless, starry evening, where we sat across each other while you seating on a wooden bench, I was comfortably slouched on the cold, cemented landing talking nonsense for hours until I noticed you can't help but keep yawning and rubbing the sleepiness from your eyes. I could go on for hours, you see, because I didn't want the evening to end. It was the happiest day of my life: spending that evening with you for first time.

I remember it clearly. Honestly, I'm trying to forget it. I'm trying to forget you. But I simply can't. I remember it vividly that it stings. A memory I thought I could bury deep enough somewhere where I could never remember but it surfaced just in time to give me this bittersweet feeling but to tell the truth, it's a numbing experience I don't want you to feel ever.

I want to forget you, my love. I want to forget the cake I gave you in which I thought was your favorite flavor. The cake I carefully carried in my arms despite the unstable ride I had to your place. The cake I never ate with you. I want to forget that sunny afternoon where I nearly killed myself from running for a ride to escape traffic on my way home. I want to forget the way I looked at you while you were playing and I'm outside the basketball court, waiting for you to ask me to come in and play with you. I want to forget how beautiful you were that day. I want to forget that I fell in love with you that very same day.

I just want to forget everything that happened days after that.

But how could I? When it's all too clear it seemed happened yesterday.

You don't know how much I'm missing you.

I want to forget but it hurts all the way.

Forever here,
sj